(Written by Viper, edited by Grand Admiral Newbie)

Page Two

Join CRAP! Goto members.aol.com/crapped/out/386/server/with/40k/of/bandwidth/Newbie.htm

Last time we saw Grand Admiral Newbie start his own fleet, Crazy Rebellious Aggressors Purple, this episode we see how his newbieness copes with life in CRAP and how to expand it. Recruiting was a problem for GAN. He had set up his room in Won main lobby, with the title "Join CRAP" but people were coming in and wanting to play! Those idiot novices. His interview style was hard hitting but very compelling, he had experimented on his pet mouse to get the balance of tone just right. Yet this was happening:

CRAP_GA_Newbie> Do you want to join CRAP? We're the best. CautiousNewbie> How do you know?
CRAP_GA_Newbie> Know what?
CautiousNewbie> That you're the best?
CRAP_GA_Newbie> We just are! Please join!
CautiousNewbie> How many people do you currently have?
CRAP_GA_Newbie> Oh, lots.
CautiousNewbie> How many?
CRAP_GA_Newbie> Well, there's me and my little brother who can't see above the desk, so he can't play, but we're hot stuff!!
CautiousNewbie> Don't you want to see how good I am before you recruit me?
CRAP_GA_Newbie> You don't need to be good, I'll train you!
CautiousNewbie> Well, what if I'm better than you?
CRAP_GA_Newbie> You can't be, I'm a Grand Admiral!
CautiousNewbie> What benefits are there of joining this armada?
CRAP_GA_Newbie> You get to be in the greatest, most powerful fleet in the galaxy, and you get to put CRAP in front of your name!!
CautiousNewbie> Oh.
CautiousNewbie> I think I'll go talk to someone else now.
CautiousNewbie has left Join Crap
CRAP_GA_Newbie> SHIT!!!!
UnsuspectingGuy has joined Join Crap
UnsuspectingGuy> Hey there, want to play?
CRAP_GA_Newbie> NO!! FUCK OFF! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!
UnsuspectingGuy has left Join Crap
Burst_81 has joined Join Crap
Burst_81> CRAP? lol, are you for real?
CRAP_GA_Newbie> YOU BASTARD!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!
Burst_81> rofl
Burst_81 has left Join Crap

Things were obviously not proceeding as planned. GAN came to the conclusion that he needed to throw his weight around. It was time to construct the CRAP Head Quarters. GAN had now found his way around some Homeworld websites and they looked pretty good, he felt fairly confident he could knock something together in a couple of minutes. Knowing nothing about Web Design he went to the local bookstore and looked at the many volumes on HTML and Java, they were too large for him to lift off the shelf so he abandoned the idea. Instead he went to see his friend who had helped him set his modem up. It appeared that AOL had given him some webspace, and with Internet Explorer he got Frontpage Express, which he was told would help him make a webpage. Having downloaded the Japanese version of IE 5 (because, of course, it would be more technologically advanced) GAN had trouble reading the help files. Once again his friend came to his aid explaining that Frontpage used a basic WYSIWYG format and all he had to do was put what he wanted in the white window.

GAN had found out how to download pictures from the Internet to his hard disk, and was overjoyed when he found he could take cool bits of artwork from other peoples websites and stick them on his own. He figured that 17 animated Salvage Corvettes would be enough, he also found lots of pictures of Probes and sensor arrays, and splattered them randomly on the page. His background was pure genius, he had loaded Paint and scribbled black over the whole area (that took a while!) then he got a white spray can brush and waved it about, to create a spectacular starfield effect. Next he needed a logo, a really cool one. He found a cool picture of the Homeworld logo, but it needed something else ... something CRAP. There weren't many colours available in the Frontpage palette, but still enough for him to do each word of "Crazy Rebellious Aggressors Purple" in different colours, to add a touch of class, he made sure "Purple" actually WAS purple! A few moments later, and GAN had finished. He had buttons for ‘Members’, ‘Join’, ‘Tactics’, ‘Storyboard’, ‘Tech’, ‘Academy’, ‘Rules’ (which was GAN’s favorite), ‘Embassy’, ‘Newsletter’, ‘Hall of Fame’ and ‘CRAP Chat.’ It was a masterpiece. Of course none of the buttons led anywhere, but this was a minor detail in the grand scheme of things.

Having made sure he had an email address for all his prospective members to contact, GAN set about advertising his page, however he met with much the same success as before:

CRAP_GA_Newbie> Join CRAP! goto members.aol.com/crapped/out/386/server/with/40k/of/bandwidth/Newbie.htm CRAP_GA_Newbie> Join CRAP! goto members.aol.com/crapped/out/386/server/with/40k/of/bandwidth/Newbie.htm CRAP_GA_Newbie> Join CRAP! goto members.aol.com/crapped/out/386/server/with/40k/of/bandwidth/Newbie.htm CRAP_GA_Newbie> Join CRAP! goto members.aol.com/crapped/out/386/server/with/40k/of/bandwidth/Newbie.htm Calaban> Haha! AOL! UnoriginalBoy> AOL SUCKS!!
CRAP_GA_Newbie> Join CRAP! goto members.aol.com/crapped/out/386/server/with/40k/of/bandwidth/Newbie.htm Burst_81> shut up already
Calaban> No decent player is going to join an AOL squadron just because it has a "join" button
CRAP_GA_Newbie> YOU BASTARDS!! I HATE YOU ALL!! I'LL KILL YOU, I'M GONNA GET MY MOM!!

GAN was still not losing heart, he had almost managed the tricky manouvre of putting his scouts into CLAW formation and was finding more and more of those dangerous top of the list people to play. Join us for more fun next time, as GAN builds a ludicrous ranking structure for his ‘rapidly’ growing fleet!

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