(Written by Viper, edited by Grand Admiral Newbie)

Page Three

The CRAPASS Alliance

GAN stared at his piece of paper entitled "Ranks". It wasn't as clear as he first imagined it would be. He was there, clearly at the top with the rank of Grand Admiral (he felt he wasn't entitled to call himself Emperor until he had completed the training missions. Below him were 4 Admirals, and then 8 commanders, continuing down the structure until it reached 512 pilots. That meant he would need to recruit around 1000 people to complete his mighty armada. Was that enough? Training them might be a burden... Luckily GAN had been approached by the leader of a fleet called ASS (Angry Super Starfleet) in the hope of forming an alliance! This all sounded very exciting. Now both their fleetscould come together to dominate Won ! GAN wasted no time in announcing the news in the main lobby …

CRAP_GA_Newbie has joined room #2
CRAP_GA_Newbie> I HEREBY ANNOUNCE THE ALLIANCE OF THE FLEETS CRAP AND ASS, COWER IN FEAR!!
sno > hehe, the CRAPASS Alliance
Tetranova> What is this alliance going to do? I mean what's the point?
CRAP_GA_Newbie> WE WILL HAVE MANY MORE MEMBERS AND A LARGER STARFLEET THAN ANY OF YOU, YOU WILL DIE!!
Burst_81> But the maximum number of players you can get in one game is 8, so what's the point?
Calaban> I think the point is they get to make a whole new crappy page with "ALLIANCE" written on it in garish letters
CRAP_GA_Newbie> YOU BASTARDS!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!
CRAP_GA_Newbie has left room #2

GAN knew they were just jealous of his all conquering alliance and set about making a new webpage with "Alliance" written in garish letters. He and Wing Commander Clueless of ASS could now shared the rank of ‘Grand Admiral'. Secretly though, GAN plotted to usurp Clueless and rule with an iron fist. He would do this by using the Relic messageboard and calling Clueless ‘gay’ with lots of capital letters and swearing. Subtlety and cunning were always GAN's strong points. Unfortunately, GAN was banned from using the strategy message board by Sorak. Because of bad language and for talking off the subject, GAN could no longer present his vicious tirades to the Homeworld community. Surely this had come under the criteria for strategy, GAN thought.

Assuming there was a conspiracy against him, GAN set about starting his own message board and scoured AOL for a suitable format. He found one and tried to implement it straight away. Sadly, because his server was crap it took so long to download that GAN forgot what he was doing. Once he had remembered he found he was confronted with a large number of options to design his message board. After hours of clicking ‘submit’ and continually getting the error message ‘all fields must be complete’ GAN was confused. He lived in the city, they weren’t building any fields near him!!! He looked for the help file but couldn't find it, so he resorted to his usual method of moving and clicking his mouse on anything he could see. After a while, his mouse pointer displayed the message "What's this?" He moved it over something else ... "What's this?". GAN was furious, his computer was stupid and didn't know anything. How was he supposed to get help from it, it clearly knew less than he did ! GAN worked tirelessly through the night ..

He was proud of the CRAP message board. He hadn't known what to do about his field problem, so he stole someone elses. He browsed some boards and found an easy target, the "Knitting pattern swap" board. He posted the following:

I, GRAND ADMIRAL NEWBIE, HEREBY DECLARE THIS BOARD THE PROPERTY OF CRAP SQUADRON. WE WILL USE IT FOR OUR PURPOSES AND YOU WILL f--- OFF OR DIE !!!!!

-Author's Note------------------------------------------

Unfortunately for GAN, he didn't know his IP number got posted with his message. The knitting group took offence to this and contacted his ISP using language a 13 year old would blush at. The next day GAN's mom came into his room, asked him to put his "cloak" back on the curtain rail and told him there was a phonecall from AOL. Here is a transcribe of the telephone conversation:

AOL: We've had reports that you've been abusing message forums and using foul language, our policy is not to allow members to do this and we'd ask you to refrain from it.
GAN: WHO ARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME IN THAT TONE?
AOL: I’m sorry, sir, but we have these rules here to protect other users.
GAN: YOU WILL RECEIVE HARSH PUNISHMENT FOR SPEAKING TO A SUPERIOR OFFICER IN THIS MANNER.
AOL: Umm..excuse me?
GAN: I AM GRAND ADMIRAL NEWBIE OF CRAP SQUADRON, COWER YOU FOOL!
AOL: Are you on some kind of medication? Could you put your mom back on the line please?
GAN: YOU BASTARD!! I'LL KILL YOU! AOL: *dial tone*

-Back to the Newbie------------------------------

GAN had been busy on the other boards. He'd informed everyone (including the knitting club) of the CRAPASS Alliance. He still hadn't found out what "LOL" meant. But he'd seen a lot of it, maybe it was a sign off message for all the cool people. He decided to end all his posts with "LOL" just to maintain his position as the coolest guy on Won and on the message boards. GAN had also demanded that all the various HW websites write detailed reports of his armada and give links to the CRAP website. Whilst browsing some of the HW sites, he found a secret area called the 'HW Map Archive'. Those fools, they had left all their battleplans in plain view. GAN set about downloading all the 'secret' maps ...

More next week, same Newbie time, same Newbie channel.

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