(Written by Viper, edited by Grand Admiral Newbie)

Page Seven
- "Dear Mortimer, Sorry, but my elves have not been able to construct a "death star"

<< By Viper >>

It’s the rather late, Christmas Special. Here's the cast list:

GAN - To be played by any member of BDU available (joke, joke, It’s only a joke)

Santa – Dyntheos

Santa’s Elf - Wulfius

The Three Wise Men - Burst_81, Calaban, Cadfan Pantomime

Horse – Tetranova (Head), sno (Ass)

Shepherds – MissionaryMan, Packrat Other assorted guest stars - 3000 Newbie extras

First let us set the scene. Somewhere in an Apple-Pie American town on the East coast there lies a house ... the House of Newbie. GAN resides there, and conducts his administration of the CRAPASS Alliance from his bedroom (headquarters). If you look closely through the frosted window of this December morning, you will see him feverishly typing away. Let's take a closer look at what he is saying ....

CRAP_GA_NEWBIE> WHEN CRAP SPEAKS, WON NET TREMBLES!!!
SoulBlighter> With laughter ....
CRAP_GA_NEWBIE> YOU FUCKING PUS...

Now we move to about 30 miles from GAN's house. Three figures can be seen in the twilight, 2 of them ride camels, and one rides what appears to be an uncoordinated horse. Cadfan is the rider.

Horse (Ass)> This is cool, this horse literally talks out of its ass.
Horse (Head)> Shut up, sno, the ass of the horse is not a speaking part.
Cadfan> Oh and the head is I suppose? Shut up the both of ya and follow the camel.
Head> That camel fucking stinks man, sno, can you reach my cigarettes?
Ass> I didn’t know you smoked
Head> I only took it up since I had to have my face so close to a camel’s ass
Ass> Yeah man, I'll fix us both up .. come to think of it, why am I the horse’s ass ?

And at the head of the procession:

Calaban> Fucking Camel! Go that way, you stinking, ugly bastard!
Burst_81> I feel sick Cal, this hump is wobbly.
Calaban> At least yours is going in a straight line man.
Burst_81> Only so it can leave a continuous trail of shit from Mecca to wherever we're going. Where are we going?
Calaban> We're going to The House of Newbie, where we will meet with GAN, King of the Newbies
Burst_81> Isn't the US a democracy?
Calaban> This is the king of a people, not a country
Burst_81> Why are we going to meet with GAN? Don't we hate GAN?
Calaban> We are going to teach GAN how not to be a moronic newbie.
Burst_81> Isn't it a lot more fun to just cuss him?
Calaban> Yes, but this is Christmas.
Burst_81> No it isn’t.
Calaban> Err .. you’re right, but we need a disguise to get close to GAN
Burst_81> And that's the only excuse we have for this implausible plot-line?
Calaban> Yep. We pan away from the "wise" riders and look to the south, where 2 shepherds are beginning to gather their flock.
Packrat> How the hell do you herd newbies?
MissionaryMan> Of course I’ve heard of Newbies !! Packrat> No, a Newbie herd
MissionaryMan> Why should I care if a newbie heard, I have nothing to hide.
Packrat> You idiot, we need to gather all the newbies, how do we do that?
MissionaryMan> Oh ... like this... "Shepherd Recruiting, right here!"

Thousands of newbies immediately hurried to MissionaryMan's call, asking questions too stupid too even print. The excited group then fell silent as Packrat waved his arms for silence.

MissionaryMan> Amazing how they knew you wanted them to be quiet
Packrat> It's in the script apparently.
MissionaryMan> You have a script?
Packrat> Yeah, it's all here in black and white.
MissionaryMan > So what am I supposed to be saying right now?
Packrat> Exactly what you're saying.
MissionaryMan> Really?
Packrat> Yeah man, you're a natural.
MissionaryMan> So how do we get the newbies to follow us?
Packrat> You think of that.
MissionaryMan> When?
Packrat> Now.

MissionaryMan suddenly stepped forward and in a loud booming voice, exclaimed. "FREE BURRITOS AT GAN'S, EVERYONE FOLLOW ME". The great newbie parade had begun...

Elf> So why are we going to GAN's house Santa?
Santa> A great event will occur there. GAN will be taught by the 3 wiseguys how not to be a newbie. Meanwhile the shepherds will gather the Newbies together and bring them to meet the King. GAN will address the newbies and implore them to change their foolish ways.
Elf> You have GOT to be fucking with me, man.
Santa> Straight up, Wulfius
Elf> Are we still gonna give out presents?
Santa> Um ... if you want ... uh ... many other special people will be there also.
Elf> Who?
Santa> Well, Jesus, The Spirit of Christmas, and everyone aforementioned.
Elf> Really?
Santa> Yep, had to pull some strings for that one. Got Jesus and the Spirit on a package deal.
Elf> Do we have to have Jesus?
Santa> What's wrong with Jesus?
Elf> Remember last years Christmas party? I invited Mother Theresa ... he headbutted her.
Santa> You invited Mother Teresa? I thought that was a strip-o-gram ... for me!

Before we are forced to witness a children's role model beat the crap out of someone half his size, we shall return to the beginning of the story. Not the actual beginning of course, because that would be silly. We shall return to the location described at the beginning of the episode. Can you remember where that was? If you can, you need more to drink:

CRAP_GA_NEWBIE> YOU WILL ALL PERISH, CONSUMED BY CRAP!
Zelech> You know we blatantly won't.
CRAP_GA_NEWBIE> YOU WILL, I HAVE PUT THAT VERY THING IN MY LETTER TO SANTA!
Zelech> Err ... Santa don't exist man
CRAP_GA_NEWBIE> YOU LOUSY LYING BASTARD! JUST YOU WAIT!
Zelech> I'm waiting ...
CRAP_GA_NEWBIE> FUCK YOU!!

GAN was angered. "No such thing as Santa Claus" The bastards were so desperate now, they were even claiming his allies didn't exist! Well he knew better, as always. He had written his letter days ago and even put a stamp on it, when he asked his mom to post it, she had smiled and said of course she would. The reply he got was in the same handwriting as his mom, GAN just put this down to coincidence. He read it out loud:

"Dear Mortimer,

Sorry, but my elves have not been able to construct a "Death Star" nor have they managed in their labors to bring about "the destruction of all treacherous bastards". The following items are also out of stock:

1. A multi-beam scout
   
2. Jedi powers
   
3. Karan Sjet wall poster (Sam Fox posters circa 1986 available)
   
4. The head of sno
   
5. Any type of Darth Vader helmet whatsoever

However, on Christmas Day I promise to bring you something very special (not HW 2 though). Yours, Santa” Little did GAN know, he was about to have visitors.

Next Page ->