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(Written by Viper, edited by Grand Admiral Newbie)
Page Eight
- GAN –
– Welcome to the house of ‘Newbie’
… there are Pringles in the kitchen << By Viper (with additional material by myself) >> Welcome to the 2nd part of the Exploits of GAN Christmas special. Remember where we were? If you cast your mind back to the previous episode, you may remember that the Three Wise Dudes, Burst_81, Calaban and Cadfan, were in the process of making their way, by camel and pantomime horse, to GAN’s house in order to teach him how not to be a newbie. Meanwhile MissionaryMan and Packrat were attempting to herd the ‘wild’ newbies and meet up with the 3 wise dudes (including sno and Tetra) at the house of ‘newbie’. Dyntheos and Wulfius were elsewhere but shortly due to rendezvous with the rest of our heroes. When we left GAN, he had only just opened his letter from Santa and was disappointed to find that he would not be getting a ‘fully operational Death Star’ for Christmas. Right, now you are up to speed, let’s continue …. Burst_81> Is that the place? Can't make out the numbers cos this hump moving has stopped me focussing on anything.
Calaban> Me too, Tetra, go check the number.
Horse (Head)> Ok, we got this walking shit down to a T now anyhow, I think we can try cantering.
Horse (Ass)> Yeah man! We can canter.
Cadfan> For the love of God, no! The horse lurched forward rapidly, losing co-ordination as it went. It half galloped, half fell into the shrubbery at the front of the house and threw it's rider, who fell into an unfortunately placed pile of manure. Cadfan> Guys..I'm in deep shit here. If it were possible for a horse to laugh it's ass off, what ensued would be what it looked like ...
Eventually the horse made it's way to the door. But Tetra couldn't reach the doorbell, luckily in their half-dazed state, they managed to improvise … GAN reacted quickly when he heard the doorbell. He hurriedly grabbed the sheets from his bed for his cloak and threw an empty box on his head. As he approached the door he thought it might be one of his friends, as a taller person's head would be visible at the door window, and there was nothing there. Then he remembered he didn't have any friends, after he had stabbed the treacherous bastards with his pen. As he opened the door he jumped back in alarm at the sight of a hand protruding from a horse's ass. "Hi" said the hand, waving. "I assume this is the Newbie residence?"
"YES, THIS IS THE HOUSE OF NEWBIE! WHAT SORT OF CREATURE ARE YOU?"
From the other end of the horse could a whispering be heard "Shit man, he even yells in person"
"Uuh" said the hand "You better talk to that guy over there, the guy in the turban kicking the camel."
GAN approached the enraged wise man. GAN> WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT OF THE ALMIGHTY GAN?
Calaban> I am a wise man, Obi Wan Kenobi sent me.
GAN> IS HE COMING HERE?
Calaban> Err, no ... he got trashed at the party last night and said to say sorry, he can't make it.
GAN> WHAT DOES HE WANT?
Calaban> He wants me to teach you the ways of the force ... and how not to be a newbie
GAN> I AM NOT A NEWBIE!!
Calaban> Of course not, one sees that immediately .... Might I introduce my colleagues? The guy there, trying to stop his camel from dumping on the sidewalk is Burst_81. And the guy trying to wipe the shit off his clothes is Cadfan and I am Calaban. I am currently not engaged in any funny slapstick action, my apologies.
GAN> I WELCOME YOU TO MY HOUSE WISE MEN, MAY OUR COMBINED WISDOM ENTRALL THE DULLARDS OF THE WORLD. THERE ARE PRINGLES IN THE KITCHEN. The Horse managed to gallop effortlessly this time as it bolted for the house ... swiftly followed by 2 camels, 2 wisemen, a newbie and a giant shit-stain. If you were to look up at this point you would see a sleigh flying across the sky. If you were a bird you might well have heard a conversation such as this as the sled sped by … Elf> Why are there only 5 reindeer, Santa?
Santa> Blame the script again. No-one can remember the names of any of the reindeer except Rudolph, Donner, Prancer and Blitzen and er … that other one we got up front there.
Elf> Speaking of Donner, I’m dying for a kebab.
Santa> All you ever think about is your damn tummy.
Elf> Wait ... we should have pairs of reindeer !!! Having five is lop sided. Hmm I need to mod those reindeer.
Santa> I know there's only 5 reindeer, Wulfius, and we should have pairs, you're right. BUT YOU ARE NOT GOING OUT THERE! COME BACK HERE! Wulfus climbed out amongst the reindeer and promptly got tangled in the harness! Santa> Oh ... fuck. The sleigh careered into the back of the house. A passer by may have noted a flash of red and white flying forward from the impact, and then heard a crash as Santa hurtled through GAN's window .. Just as Tetranova and sno were relaxing having being released of the load of the newly-bathed Cadfan, they were more than a little surprised to have a 250 pound dude with a sack land on them. "I think I'm bleeding internally" moaned Tetranova. Having left his Reindeer in a slightly more sober and definitely more bruised state, Santa returned to the party, pausing only for a second to watch Wulfius picking a Christmas tree fairy out of his arse. No-one seemed in a particular hurry to help Rudolph, who was stuck vertically in the ground by his antlers. Burst_81> So Explain why Dynt … er … Santa is here, Calaban
Calaban> What am I, the fucking narrator?
Cadfan> I guess you are.
Calaban> Oh, ok. Well Santa is here to make us all merrier and alleviate the boredom and frustration of dealing with GAN.
Cadfan> He's just here for comic relief isn't he?
Calaban> Yes.
Santa> I'm here to give you presents as well.
Burst_81> Cool! What'd I get?
Santa> There isn't a suitably humorous present to go with your general character Burst, sorry. You’ll have to make do with socks.
Burst_81> What a crock of shit! I rode "The Great Shitter" for socks?!?
Calaban> What about me Santa?
Santa> You get a gibbon.
Calabanr> Oh, hilarious.
Santa> The Gibbon does stand up routines.
Gibbon> I take my ex-wife places ... but she always finds her way back ! Boom boom !
Calaban> Hehe, kinda neat.
Cadfan> Me next, me next!
Santa> You get CK1
Cadfan> Any particular reason?
Santa> err … no, they had it on special at K-Mart
Cadfan> I see. That's pretty lame, Dyntheos
Santa> Look man, I didn't write this shit, just take the damn present and smile.
“YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! “
Calaban> Sounds like GAN’s found sno ..... The newbies needed to be watered. Packrat was worried about them. MissionaryMan was just having fun doing numerous variations of the trick "Your shoelace is untied" and "If you don't hold your dick and hop the whole way, you'll die" Packrat decided that they would have to hurry to get to GAN's house. There was only one thing for it.
Packrat> OK, guys, Hyperspace module charged. Engaging hyperdrive … The newbies held their hands out and blew air out of their teeth to make weird spacey noises, or at least attempted to. They ran to simulate the great speed of hyperspace. Packrat jogged along ahead, chuckling to himself. Sno, in an attempt to free himself from the front half of the horses outfit had only succeeded in tangling himself in GAN’s computer leads. GAN, with remarkable agility hurdled Tetra and was about to bash sno with an empty Pringles tube when .. Santa> STOP !!! GAN, I have a present for you.
GAN> SANTA, I KNEW YOU EXISTED, ZELECH IS A LIAR. WHAT HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME?
Santa> Erm … I have brought you …
GAN> YES ?
Santa> What I have brought you, almighty GAN …
GAN> YES?
Santa> … is …
GAN> YES?
Santa> a … er Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Cadfan was first to react, he opened the door and standing on the porch were two very sweaty shepherds.
Cadfan> Missionaryman, Packrat, where have you been? (whispered) you’re just in time.
MissionaryMan> That desert sucks … Mmmmm do I smell black pudding?
Cadfan> Er, guys, I think there's something just a tad more important that food, did you bring GAN's present?
Packrat> Sure did.
Cadfan> This had better be good, GAN’s just about to take sno’s head off with a sharpened Pringles tube.
Packrat> Newbies mate, we found a couple. Cadfan peered over Packrat’s shoulder to where he had gestured and was stunned at the sight of 3000 sweaty newbies lined up in parade formation … all hopping on one foot. Cadfan> Fu .. ckin' ... hell. Where the fuck did you get all those morons from? GAN, upon hearing this, pushed past the shocked Cadfan and presented himself to the congregation amassed in his front garden. GAN> BEHOLD, I AM GRAND ADMIRAL NEWBIE OF THE CRAPASS ALLIANCE. ALL WILL COWER BEFORE ME. WHY ARE YOU HOPPING? The throng of newbies immediately went down on their knees, bowing their heads to the ‘deity’ that had presented itself before them. They began making humming noises and then slowly but surely started to ask ridiculous questions. Newbie231> What is a mothership?
Newbie1515> How do I salvage?
Newbie2692> Where do we find the sensor screen?
Newbie36> When I click on my fleet and type ‘ACCESS’ it explodes, why?
Newbie654> Do I need the CD in to play?
Newbie1024> Where’s my mom?
Newbie810> What’s a mouse? A broad smile crossed GAN’s lips, finally everything had all fallen into place. sno and Tetra had righted Santa’s sleigh and were preparing it for a getaway. Packrat> Phew, I’m glad we got here in time, those newbies sure are stupid.
Calaban> Packrat, we haven’t spoken to GAN yet. We haven’t had a chance to prime him.
Packrat> I thought that’s what you were doing so that he can convert the newbies now.
Calaban> No, he saw sno and went for him like a Pitbull, there was no time. Guys, we’re gonna be needing some way out of here.
Burst_81> Quick ! Climb up through the roof of the elevator.
MissionaryMan> What elevator?
Burst_81> It’s what they do on the movies, I thought …
Tetranova> Will this do? Tetranova and sno produced the sleigh (minus Santa’s sacks) and motioned the rest of the guys to join them. Calaban> Dudes … to the sleigh … there’s no time to lose the newbies are growing in strength. Everyone piled into the back of the sleigh as the din from the front garden grew louder. The questions grew stupider and more newbie-ish. Some newbies at the back had began to chant “GAN, GAN, GAN, GAN” and it was beginning to catch on. Calaban> Dyntheos, just out of interest, what were you going to give GAN as a present?
Santa> Well, I had a carrot with some straws sticking out of it.
Packrat> Hurry up!
Calaban> WTF?
Santa> It was meant to be a multi-beam scout, I had to think fast.
Burst_81> And you think I’m a stupid fucker?
Packrat> Hurry, before those damn newbies convert us!!
MissionaryMan> I can’t take much more of this chanting.
Calaban> GAN’s acting like a focus for the newbies, he’s amplifying their stupidity
Elf> What are we waiting for? Go, sno, go !!
sno> How do you make these reindeer start ?
Tetranova> I though you knew
Santa> I have an idea! The carrot. Now all we need is a stick and some string.
sno> brilliant, dude, give it here Without a moment’s hesitation, sno took the carrot from Dyntheos, pulled the straws out … and rammed it straight up Rudolph’s arse. sno> Hyperdrive engaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ………. Our heroes escaped this time but what of GAN and his mass of newbie followers? How will the dudes of WON cope with a sudden influx of total idiots? All will be revealed. Stay tuned, same newbie time, same newbie channel. Next Page -> | 
